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My colleague forward this to me, lucky it is only a joke. Enjoy…
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Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

1)  TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a)  If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b)  If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.

c)  If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

2)  ANNUAL LEAVE :

Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).

- They are called SUNDAYs.

3)   LUNCH BREAK :

a)  Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

b)  Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

c)  Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

4)  SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.

- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

5)  TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

a)  There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.

b)  At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.

c)  After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

d)  Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

6)   SURGERY :

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

7)   INTERNET USAGE :

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges

will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Received this jokes from my colleague yesterday. Hope it can make you laugh : )

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don’ t think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
………… ……………… ……………… ……………..

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don’ t know maths.
Ted: You don ‘t know my father!
………………… ……………… ……………… ………….

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
………………… ……………… ……………… ………….

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can ‘t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
………………… ……………… ……………… ………….

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
Watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates,
Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It ’s mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn ‘t say anything.
………………… ……………… ……………… ………….

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

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Waiter: I ‘ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog ’s leg.
Customer: Don’ t tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

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Teacher: Simon, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your
brother ’s. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it’ s the same dog!

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’ s why I say she’ s no good!

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Teacher: “Where were u born?”
Student: ” Singapore , Sir.”
Teacher: “Which part?”
Student: “All of me, Sir.”
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A teacher was asking her class: “What is the difference between ‘unlawful ‘
And ‘ illegal’ ?” Only one hand shot up.
“Ok, answer, Joan” said the teacher.
” ‘unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’ t allow and ‘ illegal’ is
A sick eagle.”

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Teacher: “How come you do not comb your hair?”
Ah Kow: “No comb, Sir.”
Teacher: “Use your dad ’s then.”
Ah Kow: “No hair, Sir.”

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A boy came home from school with his exam results.
“What did u get?” asked his father.
“My marks are under water,” said the boy.
“What do u mean by under water’ ?”
“They are all below ‘C ‘ level”

Received this joke from my friend, it is so funny….

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I’m here to study law, sir.

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, i’ve been here for a good twenty years, and I’d say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they’re here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That’s really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I’ll bet he’s here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr…